The Self-Esteem Tree: A Soul-Based Framework for Feeling Whole

There are many different ways of framing self-esteem. How we feel about ourselves affects every area of our lives. But what is self-esteem, and how can it be improved?

Torah sources teach us that we are a chelek Elokai mima’al, a spark of Divine light. As walking, talking bits of Divine light, our worth is not conditional. But we live in societies that value many things beyond just being a G-d-created human. It is hard to significantly improve our self-esteem without paying mindful attention to the core truth of our inherent worth, and to the three expressive branches that grow from it: connection, competence, and our sense of purpose and personal power.

Let’s imagine self-esteem like a tree:

• The trunk is your inherent worth—you are a soul created by Hashem, wanted and loved. If you are in Hashem’s world, it’s because He wants and needs you here.

• The roots are your connections—being seen, supported, and valued by others and by Hashem.

• The branches are the expressive parts of self-worth: your sense of purpose and personal power, competence, and character.

  
  

Let’s explore each part, with practical tools to nourish each element:

Inherent Worth (The Trunk)

Think of a newborn baby that you have recently seen or held. That baby has never done a mitzvah, has no income, no website, and no diplomas. Is the baby valuable? Are you any less valuable? Is there anything that baby could do to become less valuable?

Shifting this element takes time and thought. Learning our many Jewish sources on the inherent value of a soul in the world can help.

Connection and Belonging (The Roots)

I can connect deeply and meaningfully to those who are important to me.

A child learns their name because that is what they are repeatedly called by their family and community. If they were repeatedly called “Stupid,” they could potentially grow up believing that is their name. Being seen and valued by our surroundings is essential in order to actually feel valued.

But what about people who grow up without families and communities who see them as worthy? For me, it took years to surround myself with others who saw me the way I hoped to be seen and valued me. As we become older and more independent, we have opportunities to explore different circles and communities. With time, we can find others with whom we feel wholesomely connected, real, and alive. That vitality adds value to every area of our lives, including our self-esteem. The way we connect with others colors how we connect to HaShem. I believe that the reverse is also true. Each time we connect meaningfully, we deepen our capacity for connection, which invites more goodness into our lives.

To deepen the roots of your connection, try:

• Choosing one nourishing connection to reach out to this week. Keep it simple.

• Say a short prayer that helps you meaningfully and authentically feel connected to Hashem.

• When someone compliments you, instead of brushing it off, say “thank you” and breathe it in.

• Find others who share your values, hobbies, or forms of self-expression. Look for circles in which it is safe to be authentically you.

  
  

Competence (First Branch)

I can handle life. I can grow through challenge.

We are born not knowing how to do much of anything. Few adults pride themselves on being able to eat or relieve themselves, which is about all we know how to do when we’re born.

In between, there are lots of awkward stages. We learn to walk. We fall down. We get up. If there’s a parent around to cheer us on, it feels great. If we walk into high school and someone claps because we’re walking, it doesn’t feel good. But if we master a new song on an instrument, or a new computer program, it does feel good.

Building mastery is a lifelong challenge. Being actively engaged in the process adds to meaning and to self-esteem.

We don’t want to be admired only for our accomplishments, but let’s be honest: when we work hard and show that we are capable of handling something new, it gives us a boost. It’s one of the branches on the self-esteem tree.

To build on this:

• Notice a growing edge that you have. What are you doing this week to improve your mastery in that area?

• What do you feel deeply alive when doing? How can you do it more, or better?

• Remember that mastery is a process. It takes a lifetime. Go easy on yourself, and be happy with strides. Don’t expect perfection.

  
  

Purpose & Personal Power (Main Branch)

I can make a difference. I have a unique mission in this world.

We all want to feel like we have impact, that we will leave a meaningful footprint on the lives of others. Feeling powerless is deflating and painful. Having even a small but meaningful impact on the life of another makes us more human.

To flex this muscle, try:

• Each day, note one small impact you made on someone’s life—even a smile or kind word.

• Ask yourself: What feels meaningful to me lately? What small step can I take to increase my impact?

• Sometimes we don’t know the meaning or impact we’ve had. A student of mine once told me that something I said in class totally transformed her sem year. I barely remembered saying it. But when we show up authentically, our souls and gifts shine through and enrich others’ lives.

  
  

Character (Final Branch)

My values speak of my value.

Let me give you a personal example: Today I was searching online and found a totally awesome leather purple jacket. High quality, so my style, on sale, and in my size. As I went to check out, I saw they ship internationally to hundreds of countries, Israel wasn’t listed. Looking further, I saw that “Occupied Palestinian Territories” was listed. Uch. I could’ve bought it anyway and entered my address as in the “Territories.” But how would I feel each time I wore that jacket? Like I sold out on myself, my values, my homeland, and my integrity. Why? All for fashion. No way. I clicked “Contact Us,” sent a short email telling them what I thought, and left the site.

Looking stylish might have boosted my self-image, but acting in ways aligned with my values builds my actual self.

If you’ve ever stumbled online into content that didn’t align with your values, you know the feeling. You might know you have a G-dly soul and many accomplishments, but when your integrity is bypassed, you feel downright gross.

Try this:

• Take time to think about what values are most important to you. Pick one, and make it a project to act in alignment with that value each day.

• When you’re faced with a choice that challenges your principles, pause for a moment. Ask how you’ll feel down the line if you went with each option.

• Think about people you deeply respect. What do you most admire about them? How can you cultivate those qualities in yourself? Take one small step.

  
  

Self-esteem grows the way trees grow, with time, light, nourishment, and care.

There are no quick fixes for something that is truly a lifetime avoda, but with patience and gentle attention, these steps can help us become people we genuinely and deeply esteem. Each time we invest in one branch of the tree, it can strengthen and nourish the others. Taking the time to notice which branch needs care when we're not feeling good, can guide us toward the kind of focused, compassionate attention that leads to lasting change.

And over time, a self that felt fragile begins to feel like home.